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Elliott Kalan
The Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. Distinguished Chair of History at The Flop House :: Creator of the Sexenstein monster: a gorgeous man, with abs like a Ninja Turtle and no brain, used strictly for carnal pleasure (not Elliott's pleasure, someone else's pleasure... Elliott is just in it for the pure sex science). His name sounds like "Melliott Ralan". Keeps the show on track, except when he doesn't. Once ate a bag of Doritos in the presence of a future President of the United States of America. Two time Emmy winner for his writing on The Daily Show, hosted by golfer John Daly. Background Originally from Millburn, New Jersey, Elliott has a twin sister (mentioned on the podcast as being closer to Anne Hathaway when they were in high school, and in Episode 8: I Know Who Killed Me that she was a bigger lush while Elliott is a teetotaler) as well as a younger brother, David, who knows sports like Elliott knows old movies. A walking encyclopedia of classic cinema. In fact, he is a Johnny Five-esque robot that was created specifically for classic cinema knowledge. (In this scenario, Dan is Ally Sheedy and Stuart is Fisher Stevens.) Would talk more about history, but Dan won't let him. Amazingly, Elliott is married to an actual woman. He and this actual woman ('Danielle') have created two babies together. One named Sammy Lincoln Kalan and one named Gabe. The choice of the name Lincoln is presumably an homage to the prominent 19th century vampire hunter, who in all seriousness is generally recognized by historians as the greatest American vampire hunter who ever lived. Sammy's birth in January 2014 necessitated a brief leave of absence from the podcast, which Old Man McCoy was legally obliged to accommodate per the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993. (Dan and Elliott's coworker Hallie Haglund was selected to fill in.) : Mouth-sounds singer. : Hopes to one day professionally complain about everything like an old man, even when not an old man, on 60 Minutes. Possible serial killer whose suspected victims include (but are not limited to): *Andy Rooney *Simon Fisher *his wife's last lover *someone who reportedly now writes for'' New Girl'', but previously held Elliott's position at The Daily Show Has a blue blanket that he takes everywhere for security. Wait, that's Linus from "Peanuts", not Elliott. Oh well. Claims to be classy, but doesn't think that making Abraham Lincoln a vampire hunter equals fine littertur'. When being replaced as a co-host, doesn't leave a celebrity-sized hole like Stuart does. He remains, as always, Elliott Kalan...and he will always have one more Emmy than Dan. : Factoids * Elliott worked at a Barnes & Noble® which is now a Trader Joe's®! (Episode 80: The Sorcerer's Apprentice @29:45) * Has a delicate palate, and accordingly does not like flavor. "Bland it up, please! That's what I say." (Episode 80: The Sorcerer's Apprentice @1:40) ** He is also known to have a standing policy of categorically avoiding anything containing "cheese sauce." ** Dislikes avocado. ** Dislikes candy corn. (Episode 41: 12 Rounds) * He is approximately half as tall as Sara Schaefer. * When confronted about stories about possible stalkers, turns into The Lorax. (Episode 29: Step Up 2: The Streets @39:05) * Poster child of Victims of Nerd-on-Nerd Violence (VoNoNV) (Episode 131: Marmaduke @27:10) * Has a Bigfoot fetish. * Possesses a "super strong" immune system, susceptible primarily to chipmunk diseases. ** Episode 141: Last Ounce of Courage @1:14:05 ** Episode 212: No Depo$it @1:10:40 * Enjoys lists of words that sound like other words. * Grew up in area code 201. (Episode 201: Vice @03:35) * Owns a salad dressing company named Sugar Water (Episode 202: Burnt @01:18) Favorites :; movies :: :: :: :: ::: — Episode 191: Men, Women & Children @1:12:20 :; books :: :: :: :: ::: — Episode 191: Men, Women & Children @31:25 :; dinosaur :: Deinonychus ::: — Episode 132: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters @50:55 Catchphrases *Anywho... *R-O-C-K in the U-S-A! *The Original Peaches! *singing* We get letters, we get so we don't get sued *Uh-oh! *I don’t like it. Notable Friends *Anne Hathaway Notable Tangents * "The Zardoz Tangent" from Episode 94: Conan the Barbarian * "The Stallone's Disease/Rocket-Powered Sly Stallone Tangent" from Episode 133: Bullet to the Head * Ziggy Script Pitch * "Porthole of Time" from Episode 65: Old Dogs How He Eats Barbecue at Work * Takes off his shirt in the office. But asks his officemate Hallie Haglund if it's okay first. He doesn't want to be a slob. Things thrown at him by John Hodgman * Shoes Things stolen from him by John Hodgman * Iron Man Action Figures Things That Make Him Cry * Dan and Stu's Pre-Show Fights * The Iron Giant (Episode 115: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter @35:05) * The Wizard of Oz (Episode 172: Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return @12:15) Nicknames * Elliott "Belliott" Kalan (work in progress) * Elliot "Poop Pants" Kalan (Episode 188: Unfriended @1:14:24) Look-Alikes/Sound-Alikes *Mo Rocca *Winston Zeddemore *Vincent Kartheiser * Samm Levine See also : Kalan Tales The World According to Elliott Notable Quotables * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Category:Hosts Category:Regular Hosts Category:Daily Show Workers Category:Emmy Winners